Why Is Our Press So Crap?

03:16

Nearly every country in the world has some form of journalistic press to inform the residents on what politician has cocked up recently, or which z-lebrity has had an affair with a tramp. In the case of the UK, all newspapers are equal, but some are much more equal than others.

Let's get some basics out of the way. Newspapers can be divided into two obvious categories: the broadsheet and the tabloid. Normally, the broadsheet is a serious, formal and wordy newspaper packed full of the latest stock market figures and economic movements. A tabloid focusses on lifestyle things, gossip, and in the case of The Sun, tits.

The problem is that our tabloids in particular have gained a reputation for being amazingly awful. Now I don't know what tabloids are like in other countries, but I do often hear that the UK does have the worst press in the world. That's very easy to believe, especially when you consider that one of our papers had to shut down for good because it dug itself such a deep hole by nosing into celebrity lifestyles.

Let's start with the 'Redtops'. The Sun, the Daily Mirror and the Daily Star arguably are the lowest of the low you can possibly get, since they don't really feature news at all, just 'ooh, Mel B made a different kind of tea this morning! THIS IS HEADLINE WORTHY'. Saying that though, I don't think these are the worst newspapers you can buy in the UK. You see, these papers don't pretend to be anything serious. It's obvious that they are very, er, simple, and so leaves the customer with no doubt about what they're reading. They're stupid, but they are honest with what they are. That doesn't mean you should buy one; they still make horse shit look more interesting.

Honesty isn't really a word you can associate with the Daily Mail, or better suited as the Daily Fail. I don't even know where to start with this one. Upon initial brief reading, you seem to find a rather well-written formal looking paper that has an ideal blend of current affairs and general lifestyle. Sounds like an almost perfect recipe. But then you start to read some articles on the political agenda... oh dear. This isn't a paper that has a slight leaning bias in the right-wing department, it's a full-on tip. Everything the Labour party does is scorned upon, and everything UKIP does is amazing, brilliant and fabulous. Oh wait, not fabulous, that sounds a bit gay and gay is wrong in the world of the Daily Mail.

It doesn't stop there, though. Not only do we have political bias so strong it's almost amusing, we have the ultimate propaganda producer here (or just spouting BS in other words). 'COFFEE WILL SHORTEN YOUR LIFE BY 20 YEARS', screams one headline, complete with a source from a fat man in a shed. The funniest thing is that in a few days' time, you'll see 'CAFFEINE PROVEN TO BE ESSENTIAL TO HEALTHY LIFESTYLE'. Oh that's right, another fat man called you and gave out his tripe for £35. The worst thing about all this is that these misleading headlines scare people into believing stories that are incredibly false. Take weather stories, for an example. 'BRITAIN SET FOR ARCTIC FREEZE AS TEMPERATURES PLUMMET TO -20°C NEXT WEEK' inevitably reads one headline. This does genuinely worry people about staying warm, getting stranded and rising energy bills. And then of course it ends up being the hottest week for years and the paper acts like the story never happened.

Although I haven't mentioned them, pretty much all newspapers in the UK face some kind of controversy. I don't want to go in-detail about them, simply because I haven't really read them. So I'll reserve judgement, but I'm sure they can't be worse than the sodding Daily Mail. 

Why can't newspapers just be honest? Oh, that's right, honest stories don't sell. Newspapers' number one purpose is not to inform you, it's to grab money from you. That's why you'll find The Sun shouting about leaked sex tapes, even if the most destructive natural disaster had just hit and killed - god forbid - thousands of people.

Hey, at least we don't have bloody Fox News.

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